Warnings: Major character death. Un-betaed. I'm sorry my horrible English m(_ _)m I'm also sorry for doing this to my lovely fluffy couple.
Summary: When Nino wanted to break up with Jun, he couldn't understand the reason. Because Jun was more than willing to spend his whole life with Nino.
He was more than willing to spend his whole life for Nino.
Notes: I just terribly needed this out of my system...
It was one bright morning after they spent the whole night together, loving each other, caressing their soft skins, moaning each other's name and much more when they broke up. The ecstatic night they spent together was just as precious as the other nights they had spent together. Yet, that morning Nino told him that he has fallen out of love with Jun. Without much drama, without any other specific reasons, he simply said he had fallen out of love with Jun.
“I think we're better off as friends Jun-kun,” Nino said almost coldly as he wore his clothes, avoiding to look at Jun's eyes. His voice was steady, and Jun could understand how certain he was about breaking up with him.
“Why?” Jun asked, desperate. If there was anything that he wanted more than being an actor, that was being together Nino.
Nino shrugged. “I don’t love you anymore,” he said, simply. “We’re just stuck together, you know. There’s no passion or anything like that between us anymore. We’re just scared to walk away.”
“That’s not true!” Jun protested. He loved Nino. He was still passionately in love with Nino. “Tell me, did I do something wrong? Something to hurt you?” Jun asked. “Please, let me fix my mistake, Kazu!” he pleaded.
“There’s nothing wrong, aside from us being together,” Nino said determinedly. “I’m sorry J, this is better,” Nino said finally as he left the room and Jun’s life altogether.
It hurt, more than anything that he had ever experienced. Jun could still feel the sharp pain all over his body when Nino first told him that. The words that fell from Nino’s lips pierced his heart. Jun was so sure that nothing would hurt more than this.
He was wrong.
Oh, he was so wrong and he only became aware of this a few years later after their break up as he stood in front of the house where Nino’s funeral was being held.
The day of the funeral was sunny. It was a beautiful spring day without joy. Jun stood in front of the house, not being able to believe what had happened. He couldn’t believe that Nino had died, that he had left this world. Someone dragged Jun who couldn’t cry at that moment inside. He felt like there was a hole in his heart. The crying voices of other people filled his ears and he wanted to run away from that place. He looked at the photograph of the person whom Jun held so dear in his heart. Nino was smiling with pure enjoyment. He remembered the photo immediately because he was the one who took it in the first place. His face contorted with pain, and that exact moment he knew he couldn't be sadder than this.
Why did you die? he asked himself. Why did you have to die?
Jun met Nino when they were still in high school. Both of them were in the same class yet they both pursued different dreams. Jun had always wanted to be an actor, Nino on the other hand, wanted to create his own video game. They were so different yet they were always together. Their friends used to joke about them being the opposite poles; that the opposite poles attract one another.
Jun never spared many thoughts to it. He loved being friends with Nino no matter how annoying the other usually acted. There was a big soft heart under that sharp attitude of Nino and Jun has been aware of it since they met.
He used to be the smaller one, Jun’s lips curled with that thought for a moment. He used to be the small one and when he finally outgrew Nino, the other joked about it a lot. They gradually become best friends, then lovers when both of them were unable to hide their feelings more. Nino would hug him, snuggle with him and Jun would love it every freaking time Nino came to him seeking for some contact. Their bodies fit each other perfectly. Jun could still feel the warmness of Nino’s breathe when he buried his head into the crook of Jun’s neck.
Jun’s hands started to shake, as his eyesight blurred with tears. His knees went weak. Every single memory about Nino being there was still so vivid, yet he was standing in front of the photograph of a person who has already left this world.
Tears started to stream down from Jun’s cheeks as he chocked with sobs. He fell down like a puppet whose ropes has been cut. He buried his head into his hands as he cried. No one said anything even if people were surprised by this. Jun just cried. Because he could do nothing but cry. Because he could never hold Nino again, he would never be able to tell Nino that he loved him again. He would never be able to inhale Nino’s scent, and he would never be able to caress his soft skin.
“Why did you die?” Jun asked between his cries. “Why?! Why Nino?!” He asked, knowing too well that he would never get an answer.
Then someone hugged his shaking body from behind. It was then he realized that he wasn’t alone in the funeral house. “He wouldn’t want to see you like this, MatsuJun.”
Jun could tell that it was Aiba. He could tell that Aiba was crying too even in this clouded state of his mind. But somehow, Aiba was stronger than him at that moment. He helped Jun to stand up and walked him towards Nino’s room.
Jun’s feet stopped moving when he realized that they were standing in front of Nino’s door. Aiba opened the door, waiting for Jun to get in. However, Jun couldn’t move. Nino wanted Jun out of his life. He had made it clear to Jun that he didn’t want anything to do with Jun when they broke up. He wasn’t allowed to be in Nino’s life, he wasn’t allowed to be there, no matter how much he loved Nino.
He looked at Aiba helplessly.
Aiba smiled; it was a broken smile, stained with tears but it was still a smile. Aiba hadn’t changed at all, Jun thought.
“It’s not like you think, MatsuJun,” said Aiba, his voice strained with the sadness of losing a dear friend. “It’s not like that.”
Aiba led him into the room and made him sit onto Nino’s bed. Then he told him what happened. “Nino learned that he was ill when you first passed the audition,” Aiba started. “He loved you Jun,” he continued. “He loved you so much and he continued loving you until the very end,” a tear escaped from Aiba’s eyes. “He did his best, you know,” he said as he tried to dry his tears futilely. “He did his very best but…” Aiba couldn’t continue as he sobbed.
“He did his best, Jun-kun,” A voice, which belonged to Ohno Satoshi came from the doorway. He was standing there together with Sho, red-eyed and tired from crying. Jun could be happy to see his childhood friends if it weren’t for this dreadful event. Yet, seeing them only reminded him that Nino wasn’t there anymore.
Then they told him that Nino’s illness forwarded really fast and nobody expected his death like this. Even doctors couldn't explain what went wrong and why the illness forwarded with this speed. They told him that he always protested the idea of telling him that he was ill. They told him that until the very last moment he watched Jun’s dramas with a proud smile on his face.
Then Aiba took out a box and placed it next to Jun. “Nino has always been writing these,” he said, voice broken. “I didn’t know what they were until he asked me to get rid of them. He lost consciousness after that…” Aiba sobbed before letting out a small laugh. “He will hunt me down for giving this to you but I think you need to know all of these…”
Jun looked at the box already feeling his eyes tearing up. Aiba stood up and dragged Sho and Ohno out with himself too. The door closed behind them with a lonely click. Jun was hesitant to open the box, knowing too well that there was something for him from Nino there.
He opened the box with trembling hands, knowing too well that he was going to be greeted by the farewell that he had never wanted to say.
Jun carefully unfolded the first paper only to see that it was a letter. He recognized Nino’s handwriting immediately. It was directed at him. His eyes darted to the date. The first letter was dated the same day when Nino broke up with him. Jun tried to swallow the accumulated emotions at the back of his throat.
How are you?
Of course, there’s no way you can be fine… After everything I have said to you just a few hours ago.
You will never know this but since I’m writing this to you, I’ll just use this letter to relieve myself and tell everything to you.
You know, Jun-kun, I am a liar. For all I said, I’m just a big liar.
Today, I told you that I don’t love you anymore. That we are just stuck together and we’re just scared to move forward. It was a lie. It was one of the biggest lies I have ever told to someone. And I am so sorry that I had to tell this lie. I have never fallen out of love with you Jun-kun. I still love you and will continue loving you from now on too. And oh God, I am already missing you so much Jun.
I am such a coward Jun-kun. A few days ago I learned that I was sick. Don’t you think this feels like one of those dramas that you loved watching so much? I am the unfortunate heroine, who is writing a letter to their loved ones on their sick bed. (This is where you laugh)”
A broken laugh escaped from the back of Jun’s throat. This was so Nino like. Because only Nino could make him laugh even in a moment like this.
“But I don’t think I’m the unfortunate heroine. First of all, I’m not a heroine. (Obviously!) And I am not writing this in my sick bed. (I’m not hospitalized yet.) And this definitely won’t be a farewell letter that you will find after my death.
I will do my best to get over everything. I will do my best, I promised you this morning when you were sleeping peacefully next to me.
The reason why I wanted to break up was that, I don’t want to drag you into this. It will be a hassle. And you have passed your audition Jun-kun! You have a chance to make your dreams come true. I won’t be the person who ruins that chance. I don’t want to be the person who holds you back just because of a sickness.
That’s why I’m letting you go, Jun-kun. You should show the world who Matsumoto Jun is! I am already so proud of you and I know you will be successful.
You will climb the stairs and I will catch up with you once I’m over with this.
I will definitely catch you up.
And I will confess all my lies to you once I catch you.
I really hope that you’ll be able to forgive me. Please forgive me for lying to you Jun. Please forgive me for telling you that I don’t love you anymore. Please forgive me for breaking your heart.
A tear escaped from Jun’s eyes. “You liar,” he said to the air, knowing that there won’t be an answer. “You said this won’t be a farewell letter that I’ll be finding after your death, but here I am reading this after you left me alone in this world,” he sobbed.
Jun bit his lips as he unfolded the next letter. This one was dated a few months after the first one.
“Hey there, Jun-kun!
I have been watching you on TV and you’re already shining. I’m glad that you made it to Tokyo, and doing fine.
I don’t know if you’re doing fine though… I’m worried about you, you tend to overwork yourself, you know. But you look good. Like, really good. I have already overheard some young girls swooning over you. God, they were talking about how awesome you would be in the bedroom. Too bad, I couldn’t say anything how awesome you actually are in the bedroom.”
Jun giggled as he imagined Nino trying to hold his giggle while those girls talked about Jun’s abilities in the bedroom. Nino sure had lots of fun with it. However, the continuation of the letter wasn’t as bright as the start.
“Things from my side… I don’t really know.
All I know is that I have collapsed at home, and they brought me to the hospital. Doctors said I should stay here for a while. I don’t know how long is that though. So I’m writing this from the hospital.
Currently, it’s 00.32. I’m alone. Yeah, I don’t even have a roommate. Not that I wanted but one would be nice, maybe? My mother brought my DS. I could play with it all night and no one would say anything. But I don't really feel like playing...
I already hate hospitals.
It’s so silent here, and it’s so loud at the same time. The nights in the hospital is filled with that eerie beeping sound and the pained cries that you can hear from very far away from time to time.
Actually, it’s not that horrible. Nurses and doctors are nice. I have a TV. Aiba comes to visit me every day. He brings Sho-chan and Oh-chan too.
They think I’m an idiot for pushing you away though. Maybe they are right.
I really missed you, Jun-kun.
Jun bit his lip hard enough to drew blood. He had no idea when Nino was suffering, however, he could guess how much he hated being in the hospital. He should have been here with him, he should have stayed with him. He wanted to spend his whole life with Nino. He wanted to spend his whole life for Nino. “Why didn’t you let me be here for you, with you?” he choked as he hugged the letter to his chest.
Jun opened the third letter. He felt like he was so close to Nino like this. He felt like he had never left. It was as if Nino was still there talking to him.
But it wasn’t. And with every letter, Jun was made known of the cruel reality.
“Today Aiba got angry with me.”
Jun frowned. Were they talking about the same Aiba?
“I know right?! Aiba Masaki! The softest person we could ever get to see! He got angry with me!
You wouldn’t believe it J! He even raised his voice despite being in a hospital. Both Sho-chan and Oh-chan was surprised yet they also supported Aiba.
You see, I don’t have any ally with me anymore! Ugh!
They want me to call you. But I won’t do that. I won’t ruin your life. But I miss you so much, Jun. I miss calculated everything. And nothing is going better. I thought everything would be over until now. If everything went according to my plan, I was going to see you around this time. But here I am, in the hospital. I somehow got used to the noises that creeped me out at first. And now, being used to this place is creeping me out.
I miss you so much. I really miss you so so much.
I want to call you and ask you to come back more than anything. I know you’ll come if I ask. I know. That’s why I’m not going to call you.
I’m so selfish. Aiba said that you still loved me and would want to spend your time with me, rather than chasing drama after drama. I know that I’m doing something terrible to you. But I can’t ask you to come back, Jun. I just can’t. That’s why I am only wishing you to come back on your own and scold me like you used to.
I miss you so much.
I love you so much.
I need you so much.
Please Jun, please come back.
The remaining of the letter was stained with tears and knowing that Nino had been crying when he wrote all of these, hurt Jun more than anything.
Why didn’t he come back? Why did he always thought that Nino wouldn’t want to meet him? Why did no one tell him to come back?
Jun wanted to spend more time with Nino. He wanted that more than anything.
But now, they were both out of time.
The fourth letter was the last one. Jun hesitated to open it, knowing that this is the farewell that he dreaded all those times. His hands were shaking as he reached towards the letter and unfolded the paper.
It was dated as the time that Aiba had mentioned. The day that Nino asked him to get rid of all of these letters. Jun finally could understand why Nino wanted to break up, why he never called, why he never wanted Jun to know about his illness. Jun’s somehow regretted that Nino knew him this well. Nino knew that Jun would give up from everything just to stay with Nino.
However, this still didn’t mean that Jun approved any of his decisions. Jun was as selfish as Nino yet, he couldn’t beat Nino’s witty intelligence and ended up doing what Nino wanted from him to do.
Jun braced himself as he reached for the last letter.
“To my dearest person Jun,
Jun-kun, this is my last letter to you. I can’t write anymore even if I want to. I was always thinking about this letter after I found out that I was ill. I have always wondered what would I do if I failed everything... And I did. A part of me was believing that I will make it, but apparently, the more realistic part of me knew that I wouldn't be.
I am so sorry for hiding my illness from you. But even now, if I have to make a choice, I would still choose to not to tell you.
I was scared. So scared that I couldn't even breath on nights. But after spending some time with my treatment I started to think that dying is not really a bad thing after all. They always told me that I will be cured, everything will be all right and such things but somehow humans can feel it when they got close to death. I knew that something big was wrong with my body. To be honest, I still had little hopes and went through some treatments. It was scary. It was tough. And after some time I just wanted it to be over.
But I am just a human being who is in love. So I couldn't just wish my death. Humans are selfish. When they feel that they are close to death, they start to struggle. Struggle, struggle, struggle and they try to find an exit. They want to stay alive.
I wanted to stay alive too. I always dreamed of a bright future next to you on the nights that I was unable to sleep. I was going to be healed, and after I left the hospital, I would take the first train to Tokyo. I was planning to tell you everything like that. While hugging you, feeling that I am still alive, feeling that I have escaped from death, I planned to cry until the day is over. I always imagined your face when you see me in front of you. You would scold me for being this stupid and selfish but you would still wrap your arms around me. You would, right? You don't hate me, right? Even though I hid you something like this, please don't hate me."
Jun sobbed as his tears stained the paper. "How can I hate you when you own my heart?" he asked. Again, there was no answer.
"I really wanted to go to Tokyo and be your side while I tell everything to you. But in the depth of my heart, I knew that I would be writing this letter to you instead of going to Tokyo.
Will you forgive me? I can't make these dreams come true anymore. I can't hug you anymore. I can't write to you anymore.
I want to be with you Jun like I always wanted to. This is my only wish. But I can't make it come true, right?
God is cruel. But he let me know you. He let me fall in love with you. He let me struggle for you. He just didn't let me win.
Jun-kun, I missed you. I want to see you but if I do that I will make you sad even more than this.
Since this is my last letter to you, can I make some request to you? Will you do them for me?
From time to time, remember me, okay? But not always. You have to live your life now with your fullest. From time to time, remember that you loved me, okay? But not always. You have to find someone and fall in love again. From time to time, come to this city, okay? Just walk the streets without aiming anything. But not always. You have to use your day off for yourself. From time to time, look to the sky and say something good for me, okay? I will definitely listen to it.
And no matter what, don't give up your life. Go shopping, I know you love shopping; go out for a drink with your handsome friends, I know you have a lot of them. Live your life for fullest. I will always be watching you from somewhere close to you.
I love you so much, Jun. I have never stopped loving you. I have always loved you. Even though I can't say it anymore, I will always continue to love you."
Jun pressed the letter to his chest. His tears had stained the paper while he was reading it. He knew that nothing would be same without Nino because nothing had been the same since they broke up. But that time, he knew Nino was still alive, still smiling somewhere without him. His life had been miserable without Nino already, and now he had to live in a world where Nino didn't live. He wanted to shout that he won't do anything he wanted. Because he never listened to anything he wanted to say. But how could he do that? He had no chance to meet Nino but now he had to live everything for him. "At least," he mumbled with his shaking voice, "I will have a lot of stories when I meet him again." Jun tried his best to smile and turned his head towards the window to look at the sky like he asked. "You have a horrible taste of humor, you know? But I love you Kazu, I love you so much."
Then he stood up from where he was sitting. He folded the letters and put it back to the small box that Aiba had left, then walked out of Nino's room. The door closed with a soft click. He had a long life waiting for him. But without Nino in it...